Today is New Year’s Day and even if you managed to avoid all the holiday hoopla over the last few weeks, no one – and I mean no one – can escape the inevitability of putting the wrong year on your checks for the next week or so. That is pretty much where New Year’s Eve stacks up in my holiday book. Time to change the date on my checks.
Now don’t go calling me a party pooper. I just prefer my holidays covered in fake blood and bat wings or even colored lights and sugar cookies. Hell, I’ve even been known to hide a few eggs in the yard and play Cupid on occasion, but New Year’s? Meh. So last night I hope the people who had the proper attitude about NYE were out there partying their collective butts off (safely of course). I was in in bed by 9:30. I curled up with a book and you made out with that random stranger at the stroke of midnight in some packed bar somewhere (OK now I’m a little jealous you saucy thing you), but we both can take a moment to make a few tattooed New Years Day resolutions.
New Year’s Day Resolutions for the Tattooed Person
1. I will get at least one new tattoo this year.
2. I will NOT get more than 5 new tattoos this year. Go for quality over quantity!
3. I will place a self-enforced 30-day waiting period on any new tattoo ideas. If I still think a tattoo of Sponge Bob and Patrick popping out of an evil toaster is a spectacular idea after 30 days, then it’s all good. (I am on day 17 with this one – starting to wobble).
4. I will reach out to an artist that I really admire and see if I can get on their waiting list. If you love tattoos and you haven’t already worked with a favorite artist, then give it a try this year. The artists who are at the top of their game are there for a reason. Treat yourself.
5. I will NOT waste the time of any tattoo artist – well-known or otherwise. Don’t be a pain in the ass tire kicker. Don’t send plaintive emails for appointments that you can’t keep. Of course shit happens and sometimes you have to cancel. I personally had to postpone two major tattoos with two amazing artists this year because I had to be a grown up and do responsible shit instead of getting tattooed… and I am still gutted about it. But I also gave tons of notice and waved my deposit willingly.
6. I will under NO circumstances do the following: Get tattooed while wasted. Tattoo the name of someone I love on my body unless they are covered in fur, a blood relative, dead, or imaginary. Be an asshole of any variety while being tattooed. (If you are uncertain of what being an asshole at the tattoo shop looks like read this)
7. I will carefully read AND follow my aftercare sheet. 2016 is the year you say good-bye to frantic Google searches with key words like “tattoo scabs” and “blood infection how to tell?!” Your artist wants you to do a good job with healing your tattoo, so don’t screw it up by having naked cuddle time with your pet or going mayonnaise wrestling. (If skipping either of those would be a problem for you, then take that tattoo $$$ and spend it on therapy instead…please.) And if you didn’t get ANY care instructions – verbal, written, or otherwise, then you may have gone to a scratcher, which brings us to the final and most important tattoo resolution of all;
9. I will NOT get a tattoo from a scratcher! There are lots of things you should save money on, like car insurance or electronics. Who doesn’t love a steep discount or a .99 cent cell phone? But never try to save money on a tattoo. Good tattoo artists charge what they charge for a reason. A good artist uses better quality inks and better equipment which result in crisper, more vibrant tattoos. A good artist also has a lot of experience so their technique is better, which means proper depth of the needle (no feathering, blow outs, and fading) and tattoos that look better, age better and last longer.
Tattooing well is a picky skill set that really does require years of practice to get good at, and many years to get great at. Aren’t you worth it? Remember scratchers are cheap because they tend to use cheap materials and cut corners. Not to mention the health risks. Support a wonderful industry and help keep it classy by only getting tattooed by a REAL professional – not some poser with a $60 kit they got on ebay. Don’t you want your Sponge Bob and Patrick tattoo to be beautiful forever? I know I do.